Chickadee ~September 2010Sunday, October 10, 2010
Bucks in Rut
I had to share this picture with you! Check out the bear claw mark on the tree...This is a favorite tree for the bears to climb and destroy our bird feeder. Now this is What Heals Me!Avoidance
I have been having a hard time going to sleep at night. Now this isn't anything new, I've had sleep issues for many years, however, it's time to deal with the demons that rear their ugly heads when I turn off the lights. I have had a wonderful little coping skill called avoidance. Many of us use this "skill" at one time or another, but I have become the grand dame of avoidance in the sense that I put on a happy face and say everything is fine. When my husband asks me how I am feeling I say okay. I should be pacing myself during the day, resting in between chores so I don't overdo and get into that proverbial vicious cycle and I must say that I have been better about that lately. During the day I stay busy and if I am having too much physical pain to be active then I am crafting or crocheting or working on my computer or anything else I can find to do...so I don't have to think about the things in my life that overwhelm me with fear, frustration or sadness.
I turn off the light and lay down and begin the journey of the night. As my muscles try to relax my physical pain increases. My ears ring loudly and have for a very long time and during the day when I am busy it is much easier to deal with, but at night it drives me wild...
Laying in bed at night with nothing between me and my demons the voices rise to be heard. They are the voice of a sister and a daughter who wanted a family who can't want her back. They are the voice of someone who doesn't have the capacity to feel as deeply as others. It's the voice of generation after generation of abuse and seeing my part in it with my children. They have not made good decisions...because they saw me make bad choices...The voices are the voices of my chronic pain. My fear, my depression, my anxiety, all my stupid diagnoses...my hospital bills, my doctors appointments, when will I get better...when will I be able to do all the things I want to do...when will I have a real family......why don't they just cut my foot off it hurts so bad....I hope that I never have an another neurological event....that was so scary....I am so scared...I miss my Mom...what's the point...what do I have going on tomorrow? My thoughts twirl and spin through my mind like they were auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance!
Being able to put things aside temporarily and come back to them when the time is right is a coping skill. Burying feelings and emotions and forgetting where you put them and thinking that is a good thing is well, not so much... Maybe I'll sleep better tonight.
I turn off the light and lay down and begin the journey of the night. As my muscles try to relax my physical pain increases. My ears ring loudly and have for a very long time and during the day when I am busy it is much easier to deal with, but at night it drives me wild...
Laying in bed at night with nothing between me and my demons the voices rise to be heard. They are the voice of a sister and a daughter who wanted a family who can't want her back. They are the voice of someone who doesn't have the capacity to feel as deeply as others. It's the voice of generation after generation of abuse and seeing my part in it with my children. They have not made good decisions...because they saw me make bad choices...The voices are the voices of my chronic pain. My fear, my depression, my anxiety, all my stupid diagnoses...my hospital bills, my doctors appointments, when will I get better...when will I be able to do all the things I want to do...when will I have a real family......why don't they just cut my foot off it hurts so bad....I hope that I never have an another neurological event....that was so scary....I am so scared...I miss my Mom...what's the point...what do I have going on tomorrow? My thoughts twirl and spin through my mind like they were auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance!
Being able to put things aside temporarily and come back to them when the time is right is a coping skill. Burying feelings and emotions and forgetting where you put them and thinking that is a good thing is well, not so much... Maybe I'll sleep better tonight.
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