July 2012
What great fun watching this little guy!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Beauty and the Beast
If you read my blog you know that I try to write about the things that have helped me over the years as I have navigated the rough waters of first emotional pain and physical abuse followed by physical pain. I had an experience yesterday that I would like to share because I learned a valuable lesson and maybe you can find some healing too in this little story of beauty and the beast.
If you look at me you will see a 54 year old woman with blue eyes just like her father and nice skin just like her grandmother. You will see the freckles that come out in the summer time and you will see the tiny scar under my bottom lip from when I fell down the steps 50 years ago and a few wrinkles that are well earned. My husband tells me I'm beautiful every day and even when I know I am not. In my younger years with a little makeup I would say I was pretty and still get a compliment now and again.
What I feel when I look at my face is extreme pain and distortion. My face feels swollen and the damaged nerves make my face feel like it is moving and crawling. My face feels like someone is pulling on my cheek all the time. The nerves are somewhere between dead and damaged and are reacting violently.
I hadn't been out of the house in a few days because I was having so much discomfort and pain and I didn't want to see anyone but eventually I knew that I needed to get out no matter how I felt. I got a shower, put on a pretty summer dress, did my hair and put on some makeup and jewelry. I was talking to the clerk at the post office when a man walked in and asked me if I always looked this beautiful...I looked at him in disbelief for a moment and then I smiled and accepted the compliment but it took some time for me to understand why I felt the way I did at that moment. The way we see ourselves and the way others see us are two completely differently things. No one knows by looking at me that I have extreme facial pain. I have chosen to carry on, to try to see myself as others see me...to know that I am the beauty and not a beast.
If you look at me you will see a 54 year old woman with blue eyes just like her father and nice skin just like her grandmother. You will see the freckles that come out in the summer time and you will see the tiny scar under my bottom lip from when I fell down the steps 50 years ago and a few wrinkles that are well earned. My husband tells me I'm beautiful every day and even when I know I am not. In my younger years with a little makeup I would say I was pretty and still get a compliment now and again.
What I feel when I look at my face is extreme pain and distortion. My face feels swollen and the damaged nerves make my face feel like it is moving and crawling. My face feels like someone is pulling on my cheek all the time. The nerves are somewhere between dead and damaged and are reacting violently.
I hadn't been out of the house in a few days because I was having so much discomfort and pain and I didn't want to see anyone but eventually I knew that I needed to get out no matter how I felt. I got a shower, put on a pretty summer dress, did my hair and put on some makeup and jewelry. I was talking to the clerk at the post office when a man walked in and asked me if I always looked this beautiful...I looked at him in disbelief for a moment and then I smiled and accepted the compliment but it took some time for me to understand why I felt the way I did at that moment. The way we see ourselves and the way others see us are two completely differently things. No one knows by looking at me that I have extreme facial pain. I have chosen to carry on, to try to see myself as others see me...to know that I am the beauty and not a beast.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A Better Day
I am in pain. Worse pain than I have experienced in a long time. I have been diagnosed with Anesthesia Dolorosa. This is what happens when Cyberknife deadens the trigeminal nerve but leaves the pain behind. I am also experiencing extreme numbness on the right side of my face, my nose and throat and have developed a neurotrophic cornea.
For the past year since Cyberknife I have withstood pain and crawling sensations, I have been humiliated by not being able to feel my nose running and I drool when I drink from a glass. I have maintained a positive attitude and continued with my life. But I am tired and frustrated today. I have traded one painful issue for a worse one. Tomorrow will be a better day. Please let tomorrow be a better day.
For the past year since Cyberknife I have withstood pain and crawling sensations, I have been humiliated by not being able to feel my nose running and I drool when I drink from a glass. I have maintained a positive attitude and continued with my life. But I am tired and frustrated today. I have traded one painful issue for a worse one. Tomorrow will be a better day. Please let tomorrow be a better day.
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Pine Grosbeak Heaven