Lost in Pain

I have been lost in my pain.  The world is so much bigger than me and my pain.  While i have been a victim, I have victimized others.  Not in the same way, but through my pain I have failed to see the delicate sweetness of the day. I have seen the grand beauty, the magnificent sunrise and the beautiful field of flowers on a glorious spring day but the soft moments, the gentle exchanges between others that i love have been lost to me.  These moments, these exchanges would have enriched my life if i had been able to see them, hear them. I was lost in my pain and closed off.  I feel a deep sense of sorrow now. There was judgement where there should be no judgement.  When i am quiet…the lessons begin.

Relationships

I want to truly enjoy my life and in order to do that there are things in my life that i need to eliminate all together.  There are relationships that i have put on hold that need to be nurtured and respected.  There are people in my life that i need to take a step away from.  There will be relationships that i need to terminate.  I need to widen my circle of wise women, warrior women.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin no matter how much i weigh, how colorful i choose to be or how i choose to dress. I need to make my own decisions and not allow anyone else to make those decisions for me.  i know what is best for me. I will no longer be defined as a victim, but as a survivor, a thriver in all things.

Self Healing

Too often, those who make many changes in there life and expect self-healing feel like failures if there diseases don't disappear.  But why do we do that to ourselves.  Who knows what the Universe has planned for us.  How can we know what lessons we are to learn while on this planet and what challenges we will face to learn those lessons.  Perhaps some of us are meant to be sick so we can learn what our soul longs to learn and model how to weather illness with grace. The grace comes in fighting until it's time to stop fighting and appreciating every step of the journey, even when it doesn't go our way.  Whether or not you are cured you will be healed and your healing will offer a healing to others.

Vision Quest I

Questioning is at the heart of spiritual journeying, of leaving home for a time to go on 

a retreat, pilgrimage, or vision quest.  We need to remove ourselves from the duties and dramas and the relationships and roles that give us messages that might be distracting or even destructive to our sense of self.

In making pilgrimage we are "crying for a vision" as the Oglala Sioux holy man Black Elk called it, the one that may reveal our real name, our true purpose, a voice in the head, an animal encounter, a chance meeting at a crossroad, the one that may come as a dream, an overpowering emotion.

When we go on a vision quest or a spiritual journey what is in the background becomes foreground.  Things we have overlooked get the chance to be examined.  What has been waiting in the wings takes center stage.  We cry out for what we have been longing for.

We might not find the answer we are looking for but the important thing is to never stop asking.  Maybe we got the answer and we ignored it.  Maybe we need to travel further on our journey, maybe into the company of someone who we have yet to meet.

Intent is important.  The more we want to learn and be guided on your vision quest the more we will be taught.

Nearly every culture had a form of vision quest or spiritual journeying.  They knew it was an important ritual from childhood to adulthood, from ignorance to wisdom, or for anyone searching for their place in the grand scheme of things.  They understood that one must be tested.  They knew that nature is the master teacher.  Things that are harmless in the light of day can be quite fearsome because you are alone in the dark.

We must come face to face with our greatest fear before triumph can occur.  Wherever our most primal fear resides, our fear of death, of being devoured, of not being good enough, of not being loved, of drowning, chances are good that beneath those fears lie gems of wisdom and maybe a calling, a vision.

Wherever you stumble, a tree root, a rock, on shame or fear, on someone else's words, on the truth, dig there.

Morning Dew

Courage

Courage is as often the outcome of despair as hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other, all to gain.

Diane De Poitiers

Choices

There are two kinds of choices, conscious choice and unconscious choice.  When we make conscious choices we are being creative and authentically ourselves.  We are balanced, still and know who we are.

We can't always know if a choice is wise or wrong until we have lived with it.  But making conscious choices means you weigh the pros and cons, pray for guidance, take a leap of faith and hope you land right side up.  You live with your decision.

Bad choices happen when we decide to take the path of self-destruction.  And usually we start this trip with a smile.  You don't ask anyone for advice and you certainly don't pray.  Because on the deepest level you know that this choice is not a good one.  You shouldn't even be thinking about it.  But even the "badness" of this choice doesn't change your mind.  It just makes you want it more...

Our life is a direct result of the choices we have never even considered.  

We live in a world of ups and downs, rights and wrongs, pain and pleasure, success and failure.  We are in motion trying to stay balanced.  We swing back and forth through wild emotions as we navigate this dual world.  Call on your conscious choice, your creative choice and you will be able to stop swinging and be balanced.

Be still woman...and know who you are.

"We must be willing to get rid  of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

Joseph Campbell

A Link Between Stress and Disease

"Within each of us is a spark.  Call it a divine spark if you will, but it is there and can light the way to health.  There are no incurable diseases, only incurable people."

Bernie Siegel, M.D.

Dear Child

For my daughters..

Dear child,

Do you think I can stand apart dispassionately watching you suffer without also feeling your pain? No. In your suffering, I also suffer. And in your grief, I am sorely grieved. I am present with you during this trial. I stand beneath you as the solid ground when all else around you has become like shifting sand. I stretch out my love above you as a canopy, sheltering you from the rain. I stand behind you to catch you when you falter and fall, and I go before you to pave a path of light through the thick dark clouds of despair. But most of all, I stand beside you as a friend and a Father. And so I would ask you today to do this one thing for me, my child. See me here- beneath you and above you, before you and behind you, and always at your side. See with eyes of faith and know that I will never leave you nor forget you. Forever,

God

Warriors

Warriors are not born and they are not made...  Warriors create themselves through trial and error, pain and suffering, and their ability to conquer their own faults.
Author Unknown

The Pleasant Work of Our Hands

I am all for the modern conveniences of washing machines and dryers, dishwashers and blow dryer, electric curlers and all of the fancy kitchen utensils that make our lives easier and more enjoyable.  When we have a crazy busy life, these modern machines make life more efficient and capable of getting things done in a timely manner.

Modern life can obscure the simple pleasures that await us when we get back to basics.  Every once in awhile try washing the dishes by hand and drying them with a towel.  Notice how the process slows you down.  Your senses will be awakened by the warm bubbly water, the soft drying towel and the meditative quality of washing.  There is also an appealing sense of ritual.  It is true that if I had to wash and dry dishes every day the appeal would wear off and I would become frustrated quickly.

I have also found that sharing dish washing with friends or family can be a wonderful way to have casual, intimate talk.  While you both are immersed in the rhythm of washing and drying, that rhythm creates a protective space where you listen to each other and share.  The kitchen is the heart of the home.

Garden Party

Sensory Awareness

Some mornings when I start to wake up,  I pull the covers closer around my neck and head and open my eyes just a little to see if the sun up.  I feel lucky and smile to myself if the sun hasn't risen and I can sleep a little while longer.  If the sun is up and the day is bright, I think, I am thankful for this day, this opportunity, this chance.

As my eyes adjust to the light I see the art on the walls, my paintings and I feel inspired to begin the day.  The colors in the paintings and the patterns brighten with the light streaming in from the window.

I stretch and look forward to the ritual of making my coffee.  I love the rich coffee smell and enjoy taking the steaming cup onto the deck to watch the beginning of this beautiful day.  I hear the hummingbirds before I see them as they fly to the feeders.  Males and females argue over who should have breakfast first.  The flower garden is ablaze with color, purple sweet peas, daisies, daylillies and cosmos all have dew drops sparkling in the morning sun like diamonds.

By starting my day in this way, slowly and with appreciation I can truly experience the wonder of life in the simplest things.  When we recognize this potential grace in each and every day we increase our appetite for life.

As someone who lives in constant physical pain there can be a heaviness and depression.  I have looked for those things that make me feel most alive and the alertness and richness that comes from those experiences.  There is hope in awakening that feeds our souls.

We must live for the moment.  That doesn't mean neglecting the broad picture, the needs of others, or larger responsibilities.  Be on the watch for those wonderful, delicious, illuminating moments that connect you to all the rhythms of life.

I love to hug my friends and family and often tell them I am not ready to let go yet. I love step hugs with my amazing husband.  I adore sitting across the table from someone I love and I try not to miss an opportunity to give a word of encouragement or a love pat.

At the end of the day I am thankful for all of my blessings, big and small.  I am grateful for the ordinary miracles that surround each and every one of us and for the strength they provide.