You and I are in a relationship, which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with his or her own unique needs and the right to try to meet those needs. I will try to be genuinely accepting of your behavior both when you are trying to meet your needs and when you are having problems meeting your needs.
When your share your problems, I will try to listen acceptingly and understandingly in a way that will facilitate your own solutions rather than depending upon mine. When you have a problem because my behavior is interfering with your meeting your needs, I encourage you to tell me openly and honestly how you are feeling. At those times, I will listen and then try to modify my behavior.
However, when your behavior interferes with my meeting my own needs, this causing me to feel unaccepting of you, I will tell you as openly and honestly as I can exactly how I am feeling, trusting that you respect my needs enough to listen and then try to modify my behavior.
At those times when either of us cannot modify his behavior to meet the needs in our relationship, let us commit ourselves to resolve each such conflict without ever resorting to the use of either my power or yours to win at the expense of the other losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. Consequently, let us strive always to search for solutions to our inevitable conflicts that will be acceptable to both of us. In this way, your needs will be met, but so will mine - no one will lose, both will win.
As a result, you can continue to develop as a person through meeting your needs, but so can I. Our relationship can always be a healthy one because it can be mutually satisfying. Thus, each of us can become what he/she is capable of being, and we can continue to relate to each other in mutual respect, friendship, love and peace. (Copyright, 1969, Thomas Gordon, Ph.D.)
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